When I was 14 years old, my parents let me take a day off from school so I could work the polling places and pass out literature at the very last moment before a person went and cast their vote. Living in a county that was 65% African American, you can see the irony of this if you knew ol’ Jess. I didn’t. At the time of the election, I was uninformed (we didn’t have the internet). So it was always a question to me why so many of the African American voters laughed at me or gave me a strange look. Turns out, ol’ Jess was something of a bigot and a sexist. Go figure.
Six years later, I met this guy who I worked with who spent hours and hours interning for Jesse for free on his campaign. Being that I was more informed and less naive about politics because I was now a mature 20 years old and knew it all, I asked him, “Why would you back a racist, sexist, mean old man like Jesse?” His answer made sense. . . sort of. He said,”I have travelled with him all over this state and he truly loves North Carolina. He really wants the people of this state to succeed.” Sure, I thought, as long as you’re white and male. If you can’t tell, as I grew up and got to know my elected officials and the system better, I became jaded with the whole show.
My freind also told me about how christian Jesse Helms was. Jesse’s political virtues were deeply rooted in his religious foundation. I never gave it much thought, I was always more secular anyway. But, I just read the news of his passing a few days ago and it made me question the man I had once campaigned for. Like, did he ever recieve felatio?
This was a guy who referred to homosexuals as “sodomites.” On an intellectual level, I have to disagree with that usage. First, Sodomites were people who liked to party and sought alternatives to vaginal intercourse. They also wanted to gang bang the angels staying over at Lott’s place. That didn’t necessarily make them gay. My last serious girlfriend referred to the act as “special birthday sex.” Does it make me gay that I enjoyed it? But seriously, did he ever indulge in the pleasures of the flesh with his wife of decades? Or, was sex a chore that needed to be done from time to time so as to procreate and nothing else?
For that matter, do any hardcore christians engage in foreplay that involves more than just kissing on the cheek and groping each others’ arms? I mean, I consider myself something of a lax catholic because I like to drink on Sundays. Hey, if God intended for me to relax, and our savior made wine on command, why not? But I digress. What I want to know, is what is christian sex really like? Is it dirty and sweaty? Is it like I do it, you know, where me and my partner role-play like monkeys, slinging poo and all?
I want to know about the lady who home-schools her kids and reads “Left Behind” and swears that’s how it’s going to happen. Does she ever get nasty and work her man’s junk like a pepper grinder? My thoughts are negative on this one. I’ve seen the christian websites about how to please your husband. They say stuff like, “Make him a fantastic meal;” or “Give him a nice backrub.” A backrub? Give your man a BJ if you want to help him unwind.
Recently, a pastor from a local church was busted for child porn in Plano, TX. Catholic priests around the country have been charged and tried for the same. When you repress youself to the point where indulgence becomes sin and you can’t forgive yourself for enjoying the acts of love, you become a deviant inside. You have to sneak out, go to the Adult Video store, get your coins for the adult arcade, watch and hope no one sees you, go home to your wife, and pretend you are normal. Years go by, and now you’re into beastiality and “shaizer” videos. Hey, I like a good poo joke, but that’s gross.
So what I’m really wondering is since I don’t get the unabridged version of his memoirs, di ol’ Jess ever get freaky? Was he a deviant in bed with a ready supply of candle wax and dog collars? Did he like hookers? Does anybody else ever wonder stuff like this, or am I the only one?
